The New Subsitute Teachers
by idkwhatthisevenis
Summary: The criminal organization Akatsuki is deployed on a extremely important, crucial, and dangerous mission  becoming substitute teachers at Happy Hills Private Elementary School. What will become of them? OOC, CRACK FIC. T for mild language.
1. Happy Hills Private Elementary School

_Hi!  
It's been a while since I've written anything new, so...  
_

**The New Substitute Teachers**

"Good afternoon, gentlemen." A prim man in his fifties greeted the members of the criminal organazation Akatsuki. "You must be the new substitutes. Am I correct?"

Eight heads nodded in unison. "Yes, Principal Wilson."

"Jolly good!" the principal smiled, the corners of his mustache wiggling. "Welcome to Happy Hills Private Elementary School!" he reached under his desk and pulled out a stack of manilla folders. "If you'll give me a minute, I just need to review your files for a moment."

There was silence as he flipped through the folders. Each Akatsuki member, except for Itachi, gulped. What if Principal Wilson found out about their crimes? Blowing people up? Homicide? Thievery? Itachi smiled serenely.

"Excellent!" The principal smiled again, his rosy cheeks turning a shade darker. "Your files are all excellent! Excellent, excellent, excellent!"

Confused glances were exchanged among the Akatsuki members. Apparently, the principal was unaware of their criminal status.

"Thank you for coming on such a short notice," he said, smoothening out his collard white shirt. "Many of our teachers suddenly dissappeared without a trace. We here at Happy Hills welcome you fine gentlemen as substitute teachers." He made a sweeping motion towards a large oil painting that was hanging on the wall behind his desk. It depicted a grassy hill with a huge, permanent smile plastered on its face.

"It's no problem, Principal sir," Itachi said smoothly. "We're happy to be here."

"That's great," Principal Wilson said, grabbing Itachi's hand and shaking it vigorously without consent. Itachi would have kicked him in the balls and pummmed him into a pile of rotting flesh, but he calmed down and reminded himself that they were on a mission. A very important one, at that. "Please," the principal said, continuing to shake Itachi's hand, "Call me mistress - er, I mean, Thomas."

"Will do," Itachi replied, inwardly sighing with relief as Thomas's grip on his hand finally loosened, giving him a chance to pull it away. He reminded himsef to ask Deidara for the sanitary hand wipes afterwards.

"Anyway," Principal Wilson said, clearing his throat, "I shall now be assigning you to your classrooms according to the imformation I have in your files. Please step forward as I assign you, take your folder, and go to the classroom immediately. All the imformation you need is inside the folder."

The members of Akatsuki took a moment to shift around nervously.

"First of all... Mr. Kisame."

Kisame stepped forward, hiding Samehada in his cloak. "Yes sir?"

You will be teaching science in classroom 203. The children are learning marine biology at the moment, so I trust that you will teach them well. After all, you do resemble a shark - I mean, AHEM. Off you go." Kisame took the folder from Thomas's chubby hand and left.

"Next - Ms. Deidara!"

"Un...?" Deidara stepped forward, blushing slightly. "I'm a Mister, un..."

"Nonsense, Miss!" Principal Wilson cut Deidara off rather rudely. "Don't speak such rubbish! I can see plainly that you are not a mister, not to worry at all!"

"Erm..." the blonde surpressed the urge to blow the mistress - er, Thomas - up.

"You, Ms. Deidara, will be teaching Art in room 37. They children are currently sculpting with clay, which is noted to be one of your skills." He tapped the folder knowingly. "I am sure you will do a fine job."

"No fair!" Sasori hollered. "I want to teach art! I'm a better artist than that ugly monkey!" Deidara stuck his tongue out triumphantly at the man-puppet.

"Shh..." the principal glanced around furtively, as if the police would intervene at any moment. "This is an office, not a playground. Mr. Sasori, you will be the Special Education teacher right next door in room 38. The children just love puppet shows, so I am certain you will be of value there."

"Oh, god..." teaching a bunch of retarted kids was not his idea of a pleasant way to while away an afternoon.

"Here you are," Principal Wilson said, handing both Deidara and Sasori their folders. "Scoot!"

The rest of the Akatsuki was assigned their classrooms. Hidan would teach world religions in Social Studies, Kakuzu would teach English, Itachi would teach math, and Tobi was assigned to teach Physical Education, much to his horror.

Soon, every Akatsuki member was situated in their classrooms, ready for the day to begin.

_Thank you for reading the first chapter! I'm having a lot of fun writing this. xD I hope you liked it! (:_

_By the way, if anyone is offended at all by any of the Special Education stuff, please review saying so and I will gladly change it._


	2. Second Period: Art Class

**_BBBBRRRIIINNNGGG!_**

Deidara screamed in surprise as the bell blared, signifying the start of second period.

"Such harsh noises, un..."

Moments later, a line of children filed in. Each child wore a freshly laundered and pressed uniform which consisted of a white shirt under a wool vest with the smiling hill logo emblazoned on the corner and black slacks or a skirt.

Everyone took their seats quietly.

"Uh... hi...?" Deidara waved weakly at the children. He had no idea how to teach. Darn Leader for forcing this stupid mission upon them. He opened the folder Principal Wilson had given him. Inside was a note:

_Hi there!  
Welcome to Happy Hills!  
Thank you for subsituting for out art teacher._

_First, greet the children and introduce yourself._

_Then, take attendance._

_Finally, instruct the children to get their art materials and help them when needed._

_If a student acts out in class, punish them as you deem appropriate._

_Thanks!  
See you later!  
:)_

_- Thomas Wilson_

After reading the note, Deidara took a big breath.

"Hi!" he piped merrily, flashing a big fake smile. "I'm Mr. Deidara, and I am substituting for Mrs. Blank, the normal art teacher."

A child raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"Don't you mean _Ms_ Deidara?" he inquired.

"Uh... just call me whatever you want, un," he spluttered, dumbfounded. Why did everyone at this stupid school think he was a girl? "Let's take roll then..."

He fumbled with a bright green folder before finally succeeding in flipping it open. A list of all the childrens names was inside next to check boxes labeled with _absent_ or _present_.

"Uh... Abigal?"

"Here."

"Julie?"

"Present."

"Tommy?"

"Here."

"Ludacris?"

"YO."

"Timothy?"

"Here."

"Screw this, un!" Deidara said. "If you're not here, raise your hand.

No one did. "Excellent!" Deidara beamed, checking off "present" down the list and flipping the folder shut.

"Now, everyone please get out your materials."

There was a great amout of shuffling and rustling as clay was brought out from the cupboards, as well as paint, glue, and various other colorful, gaudy decorations such as sequins, beads, and feathers.

"You may begin," he announced, and the children immediately began talking amongst themselves.

Deidara, feeling bored, walked around the room to see what the children had made.

"What's your name?" Deidara demanded suddenly, pointing at a pig-faced boy who was molding a dick out of clay. "Boynton Williams," the boy replied rudely.

"Come to my desk, please," Deidara commanded, walking to the teacher's desk. On a memo pad, he hastily wrote: _Boynton Williams has the scent and the manners of a goat. Please give him a detention. - Mr. Deidara_. Ripping the note off the pad, he sent poor Boynton off to Principal Wilson's office with the note.

"Ms. Deidara!" a voice chimed. "I need help!"

Deidara strolled purposely to the little girl who had called's desk. "Yes?"

"I'm trying to make a clay bird," she whined, "But I can't get the beak right!!!"

"Too bad," Deidara replied, snatching the malformed clay bird from the girl's hands. Within seconds, he made it into a perfect little bird that looked so lifelike, that the girl was afraid it would fly away. "There," he said ruefully, returning to his desk and sitting down.

Finally, after another half hour, the bell rang for reccess.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Deidara headed to the teacher's lounge where all the other Akatsuki members were waiting.

_Ooh!  
Why are the Akatsuki substituting at a private elementary school?  
Find out that - and more! - in the next chapter! ;D_


End file.
